I Almost Didn’t Believe It Myself

There were some signs I’d been sort of ignoring for a little while, not because I didn’t want them to mean what they could possibly mean, but because if you start getting excited about something that isn’t real, it can be terribly devastating when reality finally sets in. Jud didn’t really bite on the ‘what if’ bone and so we both sat quietly wondering if it might be true.

I remember all the judgmentalism I have spewed about when to tell people and what is appropriate and I do not disagree with my idea that a quarter of a year should pass before you broadcast news like this [It is September 20th as I write these words, but I will not let you read any of them until November].

Of course, by the time you read these words I will have had to face the doctor who told me to wait until I was cancer free for 6 months before I started growing foreign things in my belly (which is a HUGE deal to me. HUGE. Some person, that I barely know but who has much greater knowledge of the human body, told me not to do something, well, really to wait to do something, and I disobeyed. Makes me a little bit sicker to my stomach to think about it really. I can’t wait to find out how that actually goes). Perhaps he will just smile and shake his head and say “you crazy kids” but I am guessing it may be something sterner and possible more severe-ish; something like “Didn’t I tell you…?” which would make me feel terrible for not listening and obeying. For all of the rebellion in my heart (obviously! I didn’t follow his instructions AT ALL) I still love to be patted on the arm and told I’m a good girl. It’s when the rebellious consequences fall into my lap that I feel complete remorse and undeniable regret. I am hoping that I have not done something terribly wrong. I will know in a few weeks.

In the meantime I will have to keep this secret from all of you and it will be difficult.

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